Pangs of Guilt

Wow! Look at all the serious faces! I have my classes in the computer lab today – they are writing a timed essay in preparation for a state test they have to take next week – and right now the lab is so quiet that the soft click of fingers tapping keyboards is like the sound of rain against the roof on an April day. The temperature is spring-like too: warm, as it always seems to be in our computer labs…which are some of the only air-conditioned rooms in the building (?). The gentle background clicking of keys coupled with the warmth of the room is putting me to sleep. If I pause in what I am doing long enough (scoring journals until I started writing this), I find my eyelids heavy and my breathing deep. Just as I am about to drift off, my head snaps forward and I get that inner sensation of falling that jerks me awake. I look around nonchalantly to see if any of the serious faces were watching. So far, I have not been discovered.

It is with a sense of incredible guilt – brought on by various recent comments (in-person, e-mailed, and on this blog) – that I return yet again after a lengthy hiatus from writing. I know it is no excuse to say I didn’t have time, but I didn’t. Believe me: I would rather be writing than doing what I have been doing for the past few months. My life has fallen into a detestable routine of meetings, second and third jobs, and the constant rush from one obligation to the next with little time to reflect, write, or do anything other drift off to sleep in odd moments. I think I said before it has been one of those years…and it isn’t over yet.